Thursday, September 17

Perfect Imperfection, Confessions of a Virgo

So, before I say anything else, I am a Virgo. I can be a pain in the ass, because I want things to be precisely accurate, and I can be meaner to myself than any other person ever thought of being. I can refuse to acknowledge that I might still be learning, might still need practice, might even not succeed. It’s just how I’m wired.
Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, let’s get on with this blog post that just came out of nowhere and smacked me upside the head.
I just turned 55.
Really, I did. It sounds crazy to me, too, but it is what it is.
For the 27 months or so (see? Virgo), I have been doing DDP Yoga. In case you are new to my blog, DDP Yoga is a power yoga program designed by WCW pro wrestling legend Diamond Dallas Page. It incorporates dynamic resistance, calisthenics, and yoga into a tidy package that heals your body, increases strength and flexibility, and leaves you feeling like a wet noodle. great! So there’s that.
Since about 2008 or 2009, I have been seriously pursuing my art interests, namely painting, art journaling, and such. Prior to that, I was a scrapbooker, a semi-pro photographer, seamstress, quilter, crocheter, and whatever else I could find to learn, but I never called myself an “artist” until one day in 2012 when I uttered the words, rolled them around in my mouth, and realized they made me smile.
Where am I going with all of this? I know you’re confused at this point. But there is a real story here. There is. Hang with me.
About 18 months ago, I decided I was going to go on a DDP Yoga retreat. I’d been doing the program for a while, I loved it, I enjoyed it, I figured I would be “good enough” (see what I did there?) to participate and enjoy the retreat. I put in my deposit, I started to train a bit harder, ramping up my sessions on my own and with the help of my accountability partner, Mark Furniss. I got hurt. First I hurt my shoulder, then my Achilles flared up.  I backed way off. I didn’t cancel on the retreat, but I did start to question my sanity in thinking I should go. I wouldn’t be “good enough”. I wouldn’t shine like I expect myself to. I would not be able to do stuff that other people there could do. I was a wreck, for a very long time, until this week, in fact, about going, and about my “performance” there. (we’ll come back to this.)
Fifteen days ago, I decided to participate in a 30 day art challenge, creating a canvas that I work on every day, adding something to it, changing it, painting intuitively, without thought to the end. It’s been challenging and fun so far. I discovered that I don’t like not being in control of the colors. Can you imagine?? I tried to control how the colors went down and where they went, only to realize that while I might have a plan, intuitively, my plan doesn’t match reality. It’s been a big lesson. Dripping paint accidentally on your work is always an eye opener! Making it work instead of wiping it and scrubbing it to be gone is a whole other thing, especially if you are a Virgo!
I mentioned I just turned 55, right? Well, 55 was a pretty rough turn for me. I’m going to be a grandma in December. I’m looking at that and thinking “whoa. Really?” It’s been a lot to take in, with a very short runway! As I turned 55, I had a major epiphany. I learned from Melody Ross that “I am enough.” I have painted it, journaled, it written it, said it, told others it. You name it. But, apparently, it wasn’t quite stamped as deeply into my being as it needed to be. When I turned 55, as I was crying in my sweet husband’s arms about something I can’t even remember, he murmured a few things in my ear that made me realize I AM enough. Heck yea! Me. I am enough!!!
Since that conversation, things have been flipping. My art became more interesting to me, as I allow myself to just be with the canvas and I let whatever color wants to play come out and do it’s thing. My DDP Yoga practice has become joyful again, because, instead of aiming for perfection, which anyone who has ever done yoga knows is dumb, I am practicing. I am learning, accepting my body as it is at the moment, and embracing it. Do you see what I just did? My art and DDP yoga have collided. And it is a beautiful beginning. For me to accept and work with who I am and what I have feels like the biggest, most amazing thing ever. I’m so excited to explore this and learn more.
I’m heading to the retreat in 29 days (not that I’m counting!). I’ve set personal goals for my time there,  and I’ve got plans for what I want to do between now and then, but I’m going in relaxed and able to enjoy the journey rather than stressing over whether or not I’m good enough. If I have to do lunges on a knee to protect my Achilles, guess what? That’s who I am right now, and I’m great with that.

Here’s to being perfectly imperfect and hiding all of my erasers. Life will be as it is. I am all in. <3 loveyourlife="" o:p="" ownyourlife="" trustyourjourney="">