So, before I say anything else, I am a Virgo. I can be a
pain in the ass, because I want things to be precisely accurate, and I can be
meaner to myself than any other person ever thought of being. I can refuse to
acknowledge that I might still be learning, might still need practice, might
even not succeed. It’s just how I’m wired.
Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, let’s get on
with this blog post that just came out of nowhere and smacked me upside the
head.
I just turned 55.
Really, I did. It sounds crazy to me, too, but it is what it
is.
For the 27 months or so (see? Virgo), I have been doing DDP
Yoga. In case you are new to my blog, DDP Yoga is a power yoga program designed
by WCW pro wrestling legend Diamond Dallas Page. It incorporates dynamic
resistance, calisthenics, and yoga into a tidy package that heals your body,
increases strength and flexibility, and leaves you feeling like a wet noodle. great! So there’s that.
Since about 2008 or 2009, I have been seriously pursuing my
art interests, namely painting, art journaling, and such. Prior to that, I was
a scrapbooker, a semi-pro photographer, seamstress, quilter, crocheter, and
whatever else I could find to learn, but I never called myself an “artist”
until one day in 2012 when I uttered the words, rolled them around in my mouth,
and realized they made me smile.
Where am I going with all of this? I know you’re confused at
this point. But there is a real story here. There is. Hang with me.
About 18 months ago, I decided I was going to go on a DDP Yoga
retreat. I’d been doing the program for a while, I loved it, I enjoyed it, I
figured I would be “good enough” (see what I did there?) to participate and
enjoy the retreat. I put in my deposit, I started to train a bit harder,
ramping up my sessions on my own and with the help of my accountability
partner, Mark Furniss. I got hurt. First I hurt my shoulder, then my Achilles
flared up. I backed way off. I didn’t
cancel on the retreat, but I did start to question my sanity in thinking I
should go. I wouldn’t be “good enough”. I wouldn’t shine like I expect myself
to. I would not be able to do stuff that other people there could do. I was a
wreck, for a very long time, until this week, in fact, about going, and about
my “performance” there. (we’ll come back to this.)
Fifteen days ago, I decided to participate in a 30 day art
challenge, creating a canvas that I work on every day, adding something to it,
changing it, painting intuitively, without thought to the end. It’s been
challenging and fun so far. I discovered that I don’t like not being in control
of the colors. Can you imagine?? I tried to control how the colors went down
and where they went, only to realize that while I might have a plan,
intuitively, my plan doesn’t match reality. It’s been a big lesson. Dripping
paint accidentally on your work is always an eye opener! Making it work instead
of wiping it and scrubbing it to be gone is a whole other thing, especially if
you are a Virgo!
I mentioned I just turned 55, right? Well, 55 was a pretty
rough turn for me. I’m going to be a grandma in December. I’m looking at that
and thinking “whoa. Really?” It’s been a lot to take in, with a very short
runway! As I turned 55, I had a major epiphany. I learned from Melody Ross that
“I am enough.” I have painted it, journaled, it written it, said it, told
others it. You name it. But, apparently, it wasn’t quite stamped as deeply into
my being as it needed to be. When I turned 55, as I was crying in my sweet
husband’s arms about something I can’t even remember, he murmured a few things
in my ear that made me realize I AM enough. Heck yea! Me. I am enough!!!
Since that conversation, things have been flipping. My art
became more interesting to me, as I allow myself to just be with the canvas and
I let whatever color wants to play come out and do it’s thing. My DDP Yoga
practice has become joyful again, because, instead of aiming for perfection,
which anyone who has ever done yoga knows is dumb, I am practicing. I am
learning, accepting my body as it is at the moment, and embracing it. Do you
see what I just did? My art and DDP yoga have collided. And it is a beautiful
beginning. For me to accept and work with who I am and what I have feels like
the biggest, most amazing thing ever. I’m so excited to explore this and learn
more.
I’m heading to the retreat in 29 days (not that I’m
counting!). I’ve set personal goals for my time there, and I’ve got plans for what I want to do
between now and then, but I’m going in relaxed and able to enjoy the journey
rather than stressing over whether or not I’m good enough. If I have to do
lunges on a knee to protect my Achilles, guess what? That’s who I am right now,
and I’m great with that.
Here’s to being perfectly imperfect and hiding all of my
erasers. Life will be as it is. I am all in. <3 loveyourlife="" o:p="" ownyourlife="" trustyourjourney="">
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